“Can I Ever Forgive Myself?”
When people discuss the need for forgiveness, one of the most common things I hear is, “I can forgive others, but I have a real problem forgiving myself.” How might this honest confession relate to the Fifth Petition of the Lord’s Prayer, where Jesus taught us to pray, “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matthew 6:12 NRSV)? Apparently the connection between being forgiven and extending that same grace toward others is so fundamental that Jesus admonishes us in verses 14-15, which immediately follow the Prayer, that if we do not do it to others, neither will it be done to us.
Forgiveness is complicated. It doesn’t necessarily restore a broken relationship or automatically bring about reconciliation. It doesn’t cause us to forget the wrongs done against us. What forgiveness can bring about is a release from the life-sapping burdens of anger and bitterness, shame and guilt. We get to a point where we can lay these burdens down—or more powerfully—they are lifted from us by someone stronger than ourselves.
For our part, we must learn to practice forgiveness. We must practice forgiving others for the ways they have wronged or hurt us. It’s a process: a journey we embark on toward the goal of letting go. But forgiving ourselves works differently.
First of all, forgiveness always involves at least two individuals: the forgiver, and the one (or more than one) being forgiven. What happens when those two are the same individual—yourself? Is this even possible? Perhaps what we really mean when we say, “I have a real problem forgiving myself” is this: “I have a real problem accepting that I’m forgiven.”
Accepting forgiveness is hard. It requires humility and the substantial diminishment of our pride. It is a form of self-surrender. It involves a candid admission that someone else is in a moral position to forgive what we have done—or not done.
The Bible teaches that only God can forgive sin. That was one of the biggest problems the Pharisees had with Jesus. He forgave sin with authority. We can forgive others’ sins and shortcomings by inviting God’s forgiveness to flow through us. This is grace. And when we forgive from the heart in this way, we will experience the same grace working in us to return us to a right relationship with God, with others, and especially with ourselves. Henri Nouwen said, “Forgiveness is what people do who love each other imperfectly.” It’s meant to sustain our human relationships based upon honesty, forbearance, enduring love, and surprising joy. It’s all about grace. That’s why we keep on praying, “And forgive us our sins, for we ourselves forgive everyone indebted to us” (Luke 11:4 NRSV).
-Pastor Clint